Back in cave days, Ancient Greece and even the pre-feminist fifties, a woman’s orgasm was a purely incidental part of sex. Those were simple times to a man. But no longer.
Now she knows her rights. She’s read the Kama Sutra and Cosmo’s sealed sex supplement. She’s probably even seen Paris Hilton’s skin flick on the Net. The results: she wants – no, expects the biggest orgasm possible. Or seven, if you can manage it.
And you might as well admit it: you get off on her getting off. Knowing that you’re responsible for that quivering, shivering expulsion of sensation is the second best thing about sex. It’s a ride in a sports car. It’s a hole in one.
So what happens if she just can’t climax? What if you’ve exhausted your box of erotic tricks and she’s still lying there, passionless and poker faced? Well, once in a while it’s totally understandable. Once a week it’s probably forgivable. But if she comes less often than you have your car washed (and we know that is hardly ever), you’ve got problems.
When sex works, it takes up about 20% of a relationship. But when it doesn’t, it takes up about 90%. This is because bad sex seldom stays in the bedroom. If she can’t have an orgasm, he’ll probably start to feel that he’s not a good lover. Meanwhile, she’s thinking something’s wrong with her. At first both will try harder, which only creates more pressure and makes the problem worse. Then their egos become bruised and they start to withdraw from each other.
The result: drought. A dry and destructive avoidance, not only of sex, but of any intimacy that may lead to dreaded carnal carnage.
There is some reassuring news in all of this: the lack of female orgasm is more common than you think. And there are ways to coax it out of hiding. Research shows that about 30% of women globally live with pre-orgasmia, which means they’ve never experienced an orgasm. That means one in three women out there don’t know what they’re missing.
Then another 30% of women are situationally pre-orgasmic, meaning they only have orgasms in certain situations, for example, when masturbating or when they feel safe and happy with their partner. Lastly about 30% of women have orgasms some of the time.
Who knew ? Whether they’re faking it or just lying back and taking it, a disturbing number of women are flatlining after foreplay. And though there may be safety in numbers, this fact still sucks. The big question is: who is to blame?
Poor technique by men is a major inhibiting factor. Especially men who think they know what to do, who believe orgasms happen with pounding penetration only, who don’t listen to their women and who don’t spend enough time arousing her in ways that she uniquely appreciates. Plus, if he puts her under enormous pressure to orgasm, this can inhibit her too. This can’t be his fault entirely. If the woman has never masturbated herself to orgasm, then not only will she struggle to climax, she’ll struggle to teach her partner to take her there too. She may also be unable to let go and surrender to orgasm due to a negative body image, low sexual confidence, or lack of trust in the relationship. Or she could fear pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections. Maybe she’s on medication or anti-depressants, that inhibit orgasm.
Religious upbringing, family attitudes and sexual experiences all play a role. If you grow up with the idea that genitals are dirty and sex is sinful, or purely for your husband’s pleasure, it impacts on your ability to have an orgasm. One of the most powerful preventative beliefs is that good girls don’t do that.
Okay, so coming is more complicated that we thought. But what’s a guy to do when his ego’s smarting and his manhood’s slowly withering in the desert of his bed? Well, he adjusts his attitude.
Don’t blame her and don’t blame yourself. And however tempting it is to prove your sexual dexterity, don’t tell her that you could give your last lover five orgasms in five minutes. The idea is to make her feel better about herself, not you.
You may have to help her help you. This means talking about the sex you have. Try to ask the right questions at the right time. During intimate moments, encourage her to guide you around her body.
Seek out her Buttons
Every woman has a unique set of buttons that will lead to her undoing. Study her and don’t rely on tried and tested tricks you learnt in another woman’s bed. Watch her carefully while you making love. See how her facial expression changes. Watch the color deepen on her face, body and vulva. Her breathing will become shallower and she may even scream. Allow her to build to this pitch, and let her see you’re noticing her excitement. Talk to her, but first discover what kind of talk she enjoys, or if she needs silence.
Stop Trying so Hard
Pressure is the biggest passion killer, so if she’s struggling to climax a goal oriented mind set will only make things worse. If the aim is to achieve orgasm every time, frustration and insecurity mount. Just let your bodies relax and enjoy the moment and take orgasm out of the equation. Over time, this attitude together with good communication, will encourage her body to respond differently and allow orgasm to happen. Stop going for goals and just play with her. Find out what makes her tick and you can explode her.
By Sandra Prior